Self Portrait

A while back I commissioned a series of self portraits. I’m not particularly vein, but I have this habit of staring at myself for obsessive amounts of time. So I decided that it would be worth it to have an ‘artist’ paint me, and then I could hang said painting in a ‘high traffic’ area of my castle (read: ranch style house). I came quickly to find out that all the artists willing to do portraits blow seven shades of dog, none of them could paint ME. Every painting got progressively worse. First, it was sparse chest hair, then it was skinny thighs. I was tired of the paintings looking like I prefer a cup of warm cocoa, to a mug of burnt black coffee, and every session, about 10 minutes in, I would catch these half-asses trying to paint some soft ass smile on my face, or relaxing my eyebrows slightly to imply some emotion other than ‘awesome’. So screw that, it was time to switch mediums, and posted here is the result of my genius. I hired a guy who did pencil drawings and sold them at the mall (like those cheesy ones you see of Bruce Lee, or Michael Jordan, which… BIG SURPRISE are still sitting there week after week.) So I say ‘hey pal, you wanna retire early? Draw me.’ So I hand the guy a crisp 20, and he gets to work. Unfortunately I had to cut him off after about 5 minutes of terrible work. Then I finished the self portrait myself. It’s as close as I could get it to the REAL me, but I am missing a few key items. 1.) My Recon Tanto Jungle Knife. I had to take it off so I could kill the guy who messed up the first part of this self portrait. 2.) The duffel bag of .30 caliber belt style ammunition I have to carry around in case I have to fire the M60 machine gun I also carry around. 3.) My Jeep hat. I’m OK with the way it turned out, but missing those few things still makes me look a bit fancy.